Pandora Scooter: Blog

Buckled

Posted on August 18, 2010 with 0 comments

I'm pretty sure that you're around 140 pounds

And I'm around 160 pounds

And that makes 300 pounds of weight between us

Combining us

Which means that when you jumped on my back that night at the beach

In the moonlight

And you cried tears of salty bleach

That streaked your cheeks for weeks and weeks

Because you were so scared, you were so meak

When you jumped on my back that night

I carried 300 pounds, but it seemed like more...

I carried us down the shore

I wanted to show you how well I could do

How I could carry you all the way back up 18

Between oncoming traffic and the darkness and the sheen

Of headlights on oilslicked asphalt

(I've wondered if us now is my fault...)

You jumped up on my back that night on the sand

You totally thought I'd understand

I totally thought I'd understand

Funny, I was actually under-standing you

But I wasn't understanding you, too...

I was ok for a while

And you were ok with my style

And we moved at a decent pace

Through your darkened cobwebbed place

But then there was a dip in the sand

And I totally wobbled for a split second

And that freaked you out

And then you were filled with doubt

So you started struggling to get down

While I was trying to keep you up

Because there wasn't enough room on the ground

And I thought I was strong enough

But your struggling got me wobbling and swaying

Delaying the imminent inevitable fall

The moment the truth came to call

I buckled under the weight of us

And you have never forgiven me.

And for a while I didn't forgive myself

Until I thought about you as if you were somebody else

And I zoomed away from the tree bark of your soul

And I looked at you, took in the whole

And I saw that I wasn't just carrying you

I was carrying you and your entire history, too

And you never asked, you never committed, you never admitted, you just jumped as if you knew

That I was going to fail

That your martyrdom would prevail

And of course it has.

Because you never asked.

You never committed.

You never admitted.

And you jumped with weight that was not permitted.

So, yes, I buckled under the weight of us

And for this you can be angry and distrust me

For the rest of your whole damn life...

But it's not going to cause me too much more strife

Because I've paid my debt to you

With interest and then some

And even though I hope we're not through

I know other places where I can have much more fun

Without strings attached and hoops to jump through

And I can say this 'cause I figured this out, too:

I'm not really me anymore when I'm with you

So, yeah, I buckled beneath the weight of us.

But you were like playing chicken with a school bus.

I had to lose, 'cause the children would die

But then I lost myself and saw your game is a lie.

I buckled under the weight of us

And I wish for you some friend with a truss

No, I wish for you no friend with a truss

I wish for you friends who are oblivous

Friends you have to actually reach out to

Friends you have to trust with who you really are

A man, a great man, with a very, very deep scar.

I accept that I failed.

I accept your superego has prevailed.

I accept that you are angry.

I accept your history.

I accept that I buckled under the weight of us.

I accept that our old we I can never again trust.