Closet-Door Opening Diva - Pandora Scooter - Blog

Trust Tease

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 09:54:51 -0700

I’m sorry you stepped on my toes.

No, wait. I mean, you’re sorry, you stepped on my toes…

Right?

Are you sorry you stepped on my toes?

You haven’t apologized

Perhaps you haven’t realized

What should be obvious even to your vacant eyes

That what you did was so unwise.

You stayed where you were unwanted

You stayed where you were uninvited

You violated my trust

You must really, really not get it.

Shit.

You said not two hours earlier that you would be more careful with me.

Not take things for granted

That you would tread more carefully

Not make me responsible for your assumptions.

Not act on presumptions

That you would treat me with the respect

And not expect that you can do as you please.

Tease.

You’re such a trust tease.

You muster up just the right thing to say to help me choose to let you get away

Get away with seeping into my life

Wherever there’s a slight crack in the wall…

So you know where I went today?

I went to Home Depot

And I got me some super you-resistant caulk

So I don’t have to chalk up any more missteps to you being around

So I don’t have to worry about slipping on you spilled all over my ground

I’m going to seal up the cracks

Especially the ones under the molding

I’m not going to break my back because of the crap that you’re holding

Waiting to throw it into my face

All over my place

My Place

MY PLACE

MY TOES

I’m sorry you chose the path that you chose.

But this is how the story now goes…

At least ‘til you realize that you have to deeply apologize.

Walk It

Mon, 30 Aug 2010 02:56:09 -0700

They say if you say it, it will come true

Just ‘putting it out into the ether’ brings it closer to you.

They say if you think it, it will be realized

That all you need to do is visualize it in your mind’s eyes.

All them they’s who say these things

They say them while disclaiming that if it didn’t come true

If IT didn’t get realized

Then it was you who didn’t deeply believe, think, or visualize

It’s never the practice, it’s always the practitioner who is at fault

And proof of it ‘working’ always hangs by a frayed string of dental floss

“OMG one day I was pulling into the parking lot at Target and I thought, “I want a first row space.” And right then one came open and I got it! See?”

“You know, one year I was so depressed, I didn’t leave my apartment for a month and I was on the kitchen floor, crying my eyes out begging for someone to reach out and show that they cared when suddenly the door bell rang and it was my cute next door neighbor who just said she wanted to stop in since she hadn’t seen me around at all.”

(And no she didn’t hear me crying through the wall!)

“Hey…I’m a cancer survivor and I did it by eating nothing but grapefruit and visualizing the grapefruit seeds eating away at my cancer.”

“Hey, don’t cough at that, Pandora!”

Ok, well, don’t cough at the woman who smoked a pack a day from 13 to 86 and died getting hit by a car in an intersection - NOT from asphyxiation.

I do love the spiritual,

but coincidence and statistics

are vitally empirical

Chance and mind tricks

‘Cause Correlative doesn’t mean Causal.

Correlative doesn’t mean Causal.

That’s to say that just because two events are butted up against each other doesn’t mean that the second ass came out of the first one’s hole.

Like the fact that when I’m waiting for a train to come I count from 42 backwards and usually the train comes within that time frame – that’s correlative – my counting didn’t do anything but pass the time, the train would’ve come even if I’d just decided to rhyme

Random words

Like turds

And curds of whey

Anyway, I wish people who get this through their head.

Correlative doesn’t mean Causal, instead

It just means one thing happened after the other

And statistically, the likelihood that the one made the other happen is so

Infinitesimally eensie-weensie

So, leptonically teeny

That it would be more likely to guess that the mere fact that you didn’t die that minute (a much higher chance at any given moment in your day) is what caused the ‘amazing ‘ thing to happen to you.

So, no, I’m sorry, it isn’t because they’re Subway sandwiches that you are losing weight

It’s the fact that you’re expending more calories than those you ate

That’s the math

The fiction is that it has something to do with Subway or Lean Cuisine

10 Ways to lose inches in days screams the headline on the magazine

The fiction is that there is some kind of interlacing logic to the way things unfold

When really there’s just the cards that you hold and the way that you play ‘em

And everything else is up to chance, to circumstance, to lady luck

Who doesn’t give a fuck about how much you wish for things

Lady Luck is fickle, and tickles and tempts us to think that she’s reliable

When we know she’s not

But she’s so hot, not one cares

They just feel her long thick wavy hair

And commonsense just disappears into thin air

Yeah, Lady Luck runs this show

And the sooner you accept this the sooner you’ll know

That you can woo her and appease her with all sorts of gifts

But ultimately, it’s her magic hands that control the twists and turns

The loves and spurns

The highs and lows

The yeses and no’s…

…

But there is one possible loop hole

One thing Lady Luck has doesn’t have a hold on, she can’t totally control

It’s not easy, but it’s almost a sure thing

It’s not for the lazy or the second-guessing neurotic

It’s not for the grey people or the ever-blessing romantic

It’s just simple and plain and straightforward, no shit:

It’s just this:

Walk It.

You wanna lose weight: burn more calories than you eat

Walk It

You wanna lose debt: spend less than you make

Walk It

You wanna find love, follow up with every person you meet

Walk It

You wanna love what you do, stop settling for one cake

Walk it

Plot out the route, then put on your shoes and

Walk it

Dream High and Think Big, what do you have to lose? just

Walk it

Cut the credit cards,

Discard the lard,

Call old friends,

Go ‘til you end

At the finish line you choose

What do you have to lose?

You could lose your neuroses

You could lose your floundering

You could lose your sense of being lost

You could lose your second guessing

You could lose your treading water

You could lose your sense of drowning

You could lose settling for less that you want

You could lose the chance you’ll be sitting regretting

That you didn’t do more

That you didn’t take the bull by the horns

That you didn’t go balls to the wall

That you didn’t ignore the potential free fall.

Just walk it.

Stop complaining

Stop bitching

Stop cogitating

Stop itching

Just walk it.

Take that first step – commit

Walk it

Just one little step

Walk it

See how it feels

Walk it

Stop with the bullshit

Consider this your personal invitation

To live your life with crystal clear intention

With fabulous conviction

Consider this the kick in your ass

That reminds you to live your life at last

Live your life

Don’t let your life live you

‘Cause for all you know by tomorrow you’ll be through

So you better giddy up before you’re undone

Walk It

Commit

Walk It

Commit

Walk It

Commit

And Walk It.

Other Side of Good-Bye

Sun, 29 Aug 2010 04:27:48 -0700

On the other side of ‘good-bye’ isn’t a ‘hello’

It’s just quiet and the echo of my pounding feet

As I run miles and miles

Trying to understand the meat of the matter, but all the while

Hearing the echo

Seeing the darkness

Feeling the void

Touching emptiness

On the other side of ‘good-bye’ isn’t a ‘hello’

It’s feats of will power to not drop back into old habits

It’s the exertion of energy to forge brand new paths

It’s wondering whether or not I made the right choice

It’s the echo of hearing only my own voice

It’s seeing the darkness that is obscuring my future

It’s feeling the void that is cold and damp

It’s touching the emptiness that lacks all the unwanted adventure

You introduced into my life

All the strife

On the other side of ‘good-bye’ isn’t a ‘hello’

There’s no welcoming committee

There’s no map

There’s no celebration party

There’s only the snap to attention

That I’ve cut off connection

To something that filled so so so much space

And now it’s just me in the echo that I have to face

It’s me in the darkness that I have to find

It’s me in the void that I have to care for

It’s me in the emptiness that I can’t let seep into my mind

On the other side of ‘good-bye’ isn’t a ‘hello’

It’s just the echo of the door closing behind you as I finally let go.

Nuance

Sun, 22 Aug 2010 04:21:30 -0700

Nuance is the difference between needs and wants.

I want to feel connected, but I need to feel at peace.

I want to be famous, but I need to be respected.

I want to change the world, but I need to improve my piece.

I want people to always love, but I need malice to cease.

Nuance is the difference between needs and wants.

I could die today and except for abandoning my daughter, I would be at peace

I don't have much of anything left to prove, I've achieved a groove

That swings to the beat of my heart and drives my steps every time I move

But this doesn't mean

This doesn't mean

This does not mean

That I don't have ambition

That I don't have drive

That I don't have plans

That I don't want to thrive

it just means that I know the difference between my needs and my wants

It means I can live in peace, while striving with glee

It means I've passed my finish line and am driving free

To uncharted towns in the universe of me

I got my Pulitzer Prize a few days ago

When a young woman came up to me just to let me know

That when I came to her school and performed my piece 'dyke'

She came out to herself and her self she began to like

And now she's out and she's living more happily

And she thanked me genuinely and I performed dyke for her only

And the smile she smiled as I performed that piece

Is more thanks that I could ever conceive

All thoughts of greater achievements faded away

And I thanked her for helping me perceive

How one lone performance

In front of an terrible audience (seriously, these kids were obnoxious)

On a wet April day

Could help one person out and help them along their way.

Ani did it for me.

And I did it for this young woman.

And in my eyes you can see

All the success I've achieved.

So nuance is the difference between needs and wants.

And I'm convinced that I've got all I need.

And I don't think it's greed to try to go beyond,

But it's enough that I've cleaned up my little pond.

Unknow You

Sun, 22 Aug 2010 00:48:12 -0700

I want to unknow you

Go before 2002

When I didn't have a clue

About how I would let you undo me through and through

Over and Over

For years to come

I want to unknow you to the point where we can have fun

Instead of having enmeshed interactions and argusations

I want to unknow you to the point where I smile when I see you

That I feel good when you're around

That I enjoy your company

A time when you were centered on the ground

I want to unknow your triggers and trip wires

So if I trip or trigger, I can't get fired

I want to unknow your likes and your favorites

'Cause knowing them hasn't earned us shit

I want to unknow your pain because you won't let me help you with it

I want to unknow your talent becaue you won't do anything with it

I want to unknow your vulnerability and that you hurt me irrevocably twice

I want to unknow your hugs 'cause they come at such a high price

What are the dangers if we go back to being strangers

We could choose not to become friends, we could come out different in the end

I want to unknow you without losing you

I want to unknow you so we can save us

'Cause we're facing a dead end and we won't make it through

Unless you unknow me and I unknow you

What You Can Do

Fri, 20 Aug 2010 01:03:41 -0700

What can you do?

You can jump off a bridge into my riverbed

You can shove it into your head that circumstances change

You can go fuck yourself-denial that your range matters

You can go jump in a lake and swim to my island as the rain patters on the water

Oh yes, and you can apologize to my daughter.

What can you do?

Apparently, you can go on enabling bullshit

Apparently, you can allow your friends to get thrown under the bus

Apparently, you can actually throw your friends under the bus

Apparently, you can *not* communicate that you're feeling better

Apparently, you can *not* take into consideration that I might be concerned

Apparently, you can show that there's not enough that you've learned

What can you do?

You can stop breaking my heart.

That would be a good start.

No, wait, that's not what you'd do...that's on me

To stop thinking that we have a relationship that we don't have

That you can't have.

So, that's what you can't do.

What you can do...

Is leave me be

Respect the thick boundary between you and me that I've erected

To protect me from the thrashing you do.

It's been 12 days and you don't know what you want?

What can you do?

You can realize the transgression and apologize

Look into my eyes and with real compassion tell my your sorry for taking me for granted

For the us you supplanted for the 'they'

You can say, "Hey...I fucked up. You didn't deserve to be treated that way."

And then we can talk about if you can stay. And if I can stay. In this.

This

This.

Buckled

Wed, 18 Aug 2010 08:35:36 -0700

I'm pretty sure that you're around 140 pounds

And I'm around 160 pounds

And that makes 300 pounds of weight between us

Combining us

Which means that when you jumped on my back that night at the beach

In the moonlight

And you cried tears of salty bleach

That streaked your cheeks for weeks and weeks

Because you were so scared, you were so meak

When you jumped on my back that night

I carried 300 pounds, but it seemed like more...

I carried us down the shore

I wanted to show you how well I could do

How I could carry you all the way back up 18

Between oncoming traffic and the darkness and the sheen

Of headlights on oilslicked asphalt

(I've wondered if us now is my fault...)

You jumped up on my back that night on the sand

You totally thought I'd understand

I totally thought I'd understand

Funny, I was actually under-standing you

But I wasn't understanding you, too...

I was ok for a while

And you were ok with my style

And we moved at a decent pace

Through your darkened cobwebbed place

But then there was a dip in the sand

And I totally wobbled for a split second

And that freaked you out

And then you were filled with doubt

So you started struggling to get down

While I was trying to keep you up

Because there wasn't enough room on the ground

And I thought I was strong enough

But your struggling got me wobbling and swaying

Delaying the imminent inevitable fall

The moment the truth came to call

I buckled under the weight of us

And you have never forgiven me.

And for a while I didn't forgive myself

Until I thought about you as if you were somebody else

And I zoomed away from the tree bark of your soul

And I looked at you, took in the whole

And I saw that I wasn't just carrying you

I was carrying you and your entire history, too

And you never asked, you never committed, you never admitted, you just jumped as if you knew

That I was going to fail

That your martyrdom would prevail

And of course it has.

Because you never asked.

You never committed.

You never admitted.

And you jumped with weight that was not permitted.

So, yes, I buckled under the weight of us

And for this you can be angry and distrust me

For the rest of your whole damn life...

But it's not going to cause me too much more strife

Because I've paid my debt to you

With interest and then some

And even though I hope we're not through

I know other places where I can have much more fun

Without strings attached and hoops to jump through

And I can say this 'cause I figured this out, too:

I'm not really me anymore when I'm with you

So, yeah, I buckled beneath the weight of us.

But you were like playing chicken with a school bus.

I had to lose, 'cause the children would die

But then I lost myself and saw your game is a lie.

I buckled under the weight of us

And I wish for you some friend with a truss

No, I wish for you no friend with a truss

I wish for you friends who are oblivous

Friends you have to actually reach out to

Friends you have to trust with who you really are

A man, a great man, with a very, very deep scar.

I accept that I failed.

I accept your superego has prevailed.

I accept that you are angry.

I accept your history.

I accept that I buckled under the weight of us.

I accept that our old we I can never again trust.

Untitled

Tue, 17 Aug 2010 11:55:00 -0700

Go forth and have your adventure

Jump into each moment, don't think of the future

Live each day, one breath at a time

And don't bother to make sure that poems rhyme

(unless it just works out that way...hey hey hey...)

Turn corners at mach speed

Don't believe all you read

Unless you wrote it your self

Unless it was on your journal shelf!

Lead with your actions and not your tongue

Don't get distracted just 'cause he's well hung

He may be fun and that's all right

For a day or a week or even a fortnight

But then continue forth on your great journey

Into the country and state the city called "It's All About Me"

And grow into a person you never knew you could be

And love yourself with abandon, love yourself wildly

Lao Tzu wrote "A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step"

And from where I sit, you took that single step about 30 some odd years ago

And about now is when you're ready to step with some great pep

And continue on this thousand mile journey and find your own flow.

And if you need to sit down or you need to take a rest

You'll be seated and resting among some of the best

Everyone needs to put their feet up for a while

Remember life's not a courtroom and this ain't no trial

You're packed, you're ready, you're on your way

I'm going to miss you dearly and I know that someday

We may never see each other after today

That is just - that is just - our - our way.

So...journey well and journey strong

Journey fun and journey long

Journey silly and journey with glee

Journey to the be that is all you already can be.

For M.

Kiyotsukete.

Superlatives

Mon, 16 Aug 2010 19:12:40 -0700

My morning noises bounce back at me from across the room

My footsteps leave audible traces as I pace room to room

My keyboard taps are the loudest sounds in my room

And here comes the kicker line that tells you what the poem is really about:

And in your life my love for you doesn't have any room.

You say you want me

But you say you want me totally this way

And you say you want me totally that way

So I make this and that totally my way

And then you tell me you totally don't want me either way

You say you need me

You say I mean absolutely everything to you

You say I should spend my life with you

You say you want me to unconditionally accept you

So I love and accept the you of you

And then you tell me that I entirely don't know you

You say you love me

You say you accept me completely

You say you care for me completely

You say you are dedicated to me completely

So, I trust you completely

And you drop me on my ass...completely

Do you know you speak in superlatives now?

You didn't used to,

But somewhere along the line "like" and "ok" became unacceptable and mundane

And they were traded in for "adore absolutely" and "accept unconditionally"

As if the "ly's" at the ends of these words

Would blind us to the ways we so don't match

Would help us ignore that we hadn't really made the best catch

Would help me forget that you don't have a snatch...

And I think for a while speaking in "ly's" oiled the gears

Maybe gained us a couple more years

But in the end, my - can I even call you my - friend?

The "ly's" just caused more tears.

And I don't "ly" you anymore.

I don't "ly" you at all.

I'm not sure if I even "ly" anyTHING anymore.

You've kinda made "ly" meaningless.

When I was a kid I remember my dad having some really shitty advice for me about life

But the one thing he taught me that has actually turned out to be true

Is this:

don't.

trust.

superlatives.

because they're likely to leave you sitting outside some darkened theatre

a block away from some darkened grocery store

a mile away from your darkened home

with nothing to hold on to

and nothing to remember

except for softness in your eye

before you started to L-Y.

40 Things

Mon, 16 Aug 2010 07:48:16 -0700

So at the Slam I was at last night the feature, Christine Hatch, whose got a really sharp mind and tongue said that someone in her circle had written "40 Love Letters" which had inspired someone else to write "40 Break Up Letters" (am I remembering this correctly?) and then she decided to write "40 Gay Letters." It got me thinking about list poems...and I'm turning 40... (yayyayyayyay!) so I feel like following the inspiration and writing a 40 poem myself. So... here it is:

40 Things

*I'm pretty sure a list of 40 of anything is too long for me so I'm goin' a la carte on this one

*I LOVE BEING 39!!!

*Maybe this could be 38 things I wish to do before I die

*But now it would have to be 37

*36, Nevermind.

*35 has always been a favorite number of mine - and it is a very sexy age, if you ask me

*I could write about the 34 ways in which I hate my ex, but that would leave me with 466 ways, and I don't want to leave myself so unsatisfied

*Jesus Christ, John Belushi, Eva Peron and Chris Farley died at age 33.

*"Ani is 32 Flavors and Then Some" and so am I

*Anyone I date has *got* to be 31 years or older...I mean really.

*Ok, maybe 30.

*Definitely not 29. Too young.

*"Except February which has 28 days" doesn't RHYME in that stupid Month Poem

*27 is also a hot age...particularly in rugby-playing dykes

*December 26 is Boxing Day in Canada. Ok, I'm running out of ideas.

*On my 25th birthday, my grandmother wrote in Japanese that my life was 25% over. Pretty optimistic, if you ask me.

*Do you think she'll say "yes" the 24th time I ask her?

*I want to own a small villa with 22 bedrooms where artists can go to rest. The 23rd bedroom will be for me.

*Even "21 things I want in a Lover" was too many things so this won't be about that either

*20 bottles of Kombucha on the wall... (not the GT kind since they contain alcohol)

*1971 was a great year in my estimation

*He committed suicide when I was 18. I miss him even all these years later.

*Psych Hospital.

*I think Batmitzvahs and Barmitzvahs should take place at 16 nowadays.

*15 things I love about you: Your Wit. Your hands. The smell of your foyer. Your studio in 2005. Your music. Your orange sheets. Your last outgoing greeting message. The feeling you give when you care. The way you stuck things out of your teeth. Your Hammond. Your curiousity. Your curiousity. Your curiosity. The core of you. Your pain.

*14 things I wish I could change about you: Your pain. Your pain. Your pain. Your pain. Your pain. Your pain. Your pain. Your pain. Your pain. Your pain. Your pain. Your pain. Your toothbrush-to-the-corners-of-the-window-sills cleaning style. Your pain.

*13 is my favorite and lucky number.

*I made 12 promises to myself and all 12 have a rider: "If broken, try again."

*11 years since I gave birth to you.

*It took me 10 years to fall in love with you.

*Priorities: 1) My Health; 2) My daughter's Health; 3) My career; 4) Therapy; 5) Experiencing Art 6) Money; 7) Friends; 8) Lovers; 9) A Life Partner

*My top 8 confused me.

*7 years 'til you go to college!!!! (Who's counting?)

*6 ways to turn me on: Be WICKED SMART, Listen intently, Live intentionally, Be curious, Don't need me, and Do what you Love

*5 Regrets: I didn't go to Brown, I didn't go to England to assistant direct that Ayckbourn show, I didn't name my daughter the name I wanted to name her, I let him destroy my sense of responsible money habits, I didn't kiss Zoe Beckerman in 11th grade.

*I don't believe in 4 leaf clovers.

*3 years since I smoked a cigarette

*2 ways to say "I love you." --- Hello. Goodbye.

*I have 1 thing left to say: "Thank you for reading this."