Pandora Scooter


I get depressed.  Not bad.  Not too bad.  I spend a couple days in bed, moping, dragging and then POOF I pop out of it.  Depression is scary, it's painful.  I don't think people who don't get depressed understand how painful and scary it is underneath all the dull, numbness.  

Depression is like suddenly waking up hollow, with no purpose, no drive, no focus.  It looks like malaise on the outside, but on the inside, it's more like a sand storm.  I can't see in front of me, behind me and the sand is hurting my skin as I try to move in one direction and fail. 

The reason why drinking is so bad during depression is not because it doesn't actually help the depressed person feel better (sometimes it truly does actually feel better), it's because alcohol is a depressant and it makes it harder to get the depressed person out of their funk, rut, hole. Fortunately, I just finished most of my booze last night (no, not all in one night, but happened to finish the bit at the bottom of the bottles) so I'm feeling stronger about not drinking tonight to see how that'll make tomorrow go.

My depression is also hard because it's circumstantial.  I lose a gig, I have to face some hard stuff with my kid, I have a fight with my friend, I get depressed.  I get low.  And until that shit is worked out or figured out in some way or another, then I'm low.  And I stay low.  This time it was the first one - I lost a gig.  My pshrink said to me that losing a job can be one of the most demeaning experiences.  I never thought of it like that.  But I guess I take it to heart, because I am upset.  Truly upset about it.

I'm in the midst of trying to figure out where my next paycheck is coming from and I've had no motivation to figure it out.  I mean, at least, I'm feeling more up about it now (today, this minute) and that's because I took a long nap this afternoon and I woke up suddenly from a weird dream in which I was struggling to convince someone of something.  I felt awake.  I feel awake right now.  Unlike most of the time lately.

Depression is a slow cancer.  It takes away the will to engage in life.  If you know someone with depression, who is already seeking help, try getting them out for a walk - a short walk - even the endorphins that start circulating due to a walk around the block or two will pick up their spirits a bit.  Don't push.  People who are depressed do not like to be pushed.  Encouraged, yes.  Pushed, no.  Don't yell or make threats.  They just add to the depressed person feeling bad about themselves.  Depressed people need patience.   A lot of it.  If you don't have patience, don't try to "help" or "support" a depressed person.  And if they're not seeing a pshrink, get them to one or at least a therapist.  They need to get help.  It'll feel so much better.

These are my three cents on depression today.


Thank you, Les, for reminding me of this very important point. My pshrink had just said this to me, but it didn't sink in until I read your words. Thank you again for taking the time. It means so much to me. Peace.
What you say is very true. Depression is like a human-sized tick sucking the life out of you and weighing you down so that every step is a journey and most of the time you want the world to just go away. The key paragraph here is the fourth. Events happen. Usually events over which we have no control (even those we think we control). This will always be true. How we interpret those events and process them internally sets us up for how we're going to feel about them. A cancelled gig is not a reflection on your worth or value. Even if it was cancelled because the organizers decided they don't like you or your work is still not an indication of your worth - it's only them exercising their opinion and it may have been for a far more practical reason, like their inability to fund the event or poor scheduling. Yes, it's disappointing. Yes, the loss of a job is certainly threatening when you are counting on the income. Yes, the rejection feels personal, but it doesn't have to be. It's a temporary event. It opens an opportunity to do a different event, or go in a new direction. And hell no, it isn't easy to redirect your thoughts, and thus your feelings, about these sorts of things. But you still have you, in all of your wonderful uniqueness.

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