One Cure for Depression

I've been in therapy, I tell people, "since I'm 15."  That would mean that I've spent 27 years in therapy.  That would be 27 x 52 = 27, 1404 sessions, plus the years when I went twice per week, minus my therapists' three week long vacations, puts me at around 1750 sessions, I'd say.  Something in that order.  And I've learned a lot about myself and about the world around me and about how to get along being me in this big old world that alternately feels like it couldn't give two bits about me and then turns around and holds me like I'm the center of it all.  And all this time, I have suffered with depression.  Never so heavy that I had to be hospitalized, except the occassonal suicidal bout, but I've never had that debilitating depression that leaves a person unbathed and overslept for months on end.

My depression has always been more moderate functioning. I could work, bathe usually, get out of bed in the morning, keep things going around the house, do some version of grocery shopping.  Writing was out of the question.  I could perform though.  My performances probably weren't the greatest, but I could get up in front of people and "be." 

So, last March I wound up in a manic state which lasted about two months until my girlfriend and I broke up and then I wound up in a pretty balanced place.  I was active, engaged in my life, I was writing, I was teaching...things were going well. I wasn't manic, but I wasn't depressed and I felt I was getting my life back from this ridiculous relationship I had been in for 2.5 years and things were good.

And then something happened.  My ex wouldn't return my laptop that I bought that she was borrowing (lesbians) for the summer.  I needed it back early because my kid broke her laptop and she needs one, so I figured I'd get the one back from ex and all would be good.  But no.  My ex refused to return my property to me.  She refused to acknowledge that she was doing a whackadoodle thing by keeping something that wasn't hers.  She accused me of being a bad mother for not going out and buying my kid a new laptop.  (I'm getting upset all over again thinking about that conversation.)

So...I got mad.  And then...I got really, really embarassed. Like mortified.  Like "holy shit, I can't believe I chose to be with this person.  That I let her around my kid.  That she's STILL seeing my kid."  I was embarassed, so embarassed and then I became ashamed.  This deep, fathomless. reckless shame swept me under and drowned me. And then I was fine.  It passed.  I felt ok and I was able to get back to my life (the whole process of getting mad to being ashamed took maybe a day) and taking care of business.  And yeah I was fine.  Totally fine.  Except when I wasn't.  Which was when anyone did anything anywhere close to criticizing me.  At best, I'd hold my tongue, get tense and leave the situation or change the subject.  At worst (normally with my therapist and with my parents) I would lash out, angrily, hatefully.  And there was no resolution.  No tearful union and understanding at the end.  There was just me breathing deeply, apologizing through tight lips and moving on.  Because I didn't know what I was so fucking upset about. I had no idea why these people who love and care about me were pissing me off so deeply.  I thought, "I'm becoming a hateful bitch and that's who I'm going to be for the rest of my life."

And I went on like this - maintaining my life and raging whenever anyone got too close - for about two and a half weeks until today.

Today I went to therapy and I told my therapist that I think I'm depressed.  Because I think my being "fine" is not true and that I'm really upset.  That I've been depressed for a while, but that I don't know what I'm depressed about.  My break up?  No.  Not being further along in my career?  No.  A recent financial set back?  No.  And then I started to dig into myself: "And I just don't know why you keep pissing me off so much.  It's like you're too close to me and you're too far away - at the same time. I want to punch you and hug you. I'm so mad at you and I don't know why."  And then it came pouring out, like hard rain, "I can't believe I dated her! I'm so embarassed, I'm so ashamed. She's terrible.  She used me and then she moved on.  She was a mistake and everyone knew it but no one said anything to me.  She's making a fool out of me right now. (re: the laptop)"  And I cried.  Cried tears that I'd been holding onto for months - ever since the notion that this relationship was a mistake first took root in my conscious.

I cried and I cried and I cried.  And I sobbed.  And we talked a bit about how there's healing to do and lessons to learn so that this doesn't happen again. (oh, writing that just made my stomach drop)

And then...I was better.  Really better.  Not the kind of fine I was after being told I was a bad mother.  Not that kind of "fine."  No, this was like I had had a heart massage. I felt relief. I didn't feel angry. I felt connected to myself.  And it was all because i was willing to face what I had been de-pressing.  That shame.  That deep, unforgiving shame.

So one cure for depression is to do just that. Face what you're de-pressing.  It's scary and nauseating and feels terrible in the moment, but it is like vomiting, there's relief on the other end.

In fact, I felt so much better that that evening I was at a support group meeting that I run where there was a woman who was in a lot of pain and I was able to keep her after the meeting and give her some support and love and SHE felt better after we talked.  That's some powerful stuff.

Power to the Peaceful and Love to All,

Pandora

Comments

Kaeden March 05, 2014 @07:21 am
Uninsured driver protection is elective. But when it can be afforded by Quotes Chimp we encourage you to truly buy it. If you do not, the sole defense you might have if you're struck through an uninsured motorist is going to be your med-pay, which can be seldom sufficient to cover all of the invoices of a critical mishap. The added costs of your injurysuch as doctor's bills beyond that included in med-pay, dropped wages, and hurting and sufferingwill just not be insured if you do not get the defense of uninsured driver coverage.
Bobby March 05, 2014 @07:16 am
Finding important information about the ins and outs of the type of insurance QuotesChimp want is literally as easy as turning the pages of this site. But you shouldn't stop here. There are 51 different individual markets for insurance in the United States (one for each state and the District of Columbia) and you will want to look for the individual nuances contained in policies where you live. Here are some sources of information you will want to turn to.
Marlee March 05, 2014 @07:05 am
Deductibles and payment options. Unlike some other aspects of auto insurance, the collision protection of the QuotesChimp is subject to a deductible (the amount you pay before any insurance benefits kick in). Most deductibles are around $200 but you can elect to have a higher or lower amount. The higher the deductible, the lower the premium.
Carley March 05, 2014 @07:03 am
Property/casualty insurance. Earlier, QuotesChimp touched on first-per�son and third-party losses. Property/casualty (liability) insurance generally covers both. A good example of this is a homeowner's policy, which protects a dwelling from the hazards of fire and other forms of destruction. But homeowner's policies also provide for protection against liability�for example, if your dog bites the mailman. As you will see, this is not the only case where one insurance policy protects against a wide variety of losses. Property and liability insurance will be discussed in Part 2 and Part 4.
Justice March 05, 2014 @07:03 am
But change is truly simply beginning and, the impetus is sluggish, where Quotes Chimp has started. The secret to change at this time for you personally is based on your getting the best customer. Winning the Insurance Sport delivers one to the front of insurance change by instruction you exactly what you should know concerning the insurance business.
Marnie March 05, 2014 @06:06 am
Nonsmoker's discount. Any way Quotes Chimp look at it, it costs to smoke, and not only in terms of your health. It can cost you applicable discounts in your auto insurance premium.
Janae March 05, 2014 @06:00 am
A different type of co operative is a manufacturer's co operative. The many well-known manufacturer's co operative is Blue MixorBlue Protect, where hospitals and physicians have created not-for-profit insurance Quotes Chimp which market medical insurance to the general public. The actual strength in these types of companies lies together with the venders healthcare, euphemistically identified in the industry as &number3; 4;suppliers.&number3; 4; The coordinators command the managing of the co operative. Unlike mutuals or mutual deals, no ownership rights are obtained by policyholders.
Maryland March 05, 2014 @05:59 am
As a policy-holder, QuotesChimp additionally have responsibilities under the agreement (along with spending rates). The insurance provider might have the capacity to escape spending rewards, in The Event That you behave badly. You can find normally three ways a policy-holder could possibly be susceptible to losing of rewards.
Espn March 05, 2014 @05:56 am
QuotesChimp is frequently overlooked, because life assurance policy isn't needed for legal reasons. As it's vital for every single household to hold life assurance policy on anybody who plays a role in the household's financing, this is really a significant monetary error. With No correct degree of life assurance policy, the passing of a subscriber to your own household's earnings can cause losing of a property or hundreds of bucks with debt that can't be readily compensated.
Jace March 05, 2014 @05:55 am
Fundamentally, no-fault insurance is designed so that recompense is received by the victims of a car accident from their own insurance Quotes Chimp for harms that result from the wreck. Because the various insurance companies are responsible for the harms to their own clients without respect to whose driving the mishap was caused by blunders it is called no-fault.
Karess March 02, 2014 @09:17 am
Their various evaluations in Best's Insurance Reviews and also additional reporting QuotesChimp. Don't forget, Greatest's is in check your local library, however, your broker ought to possess a duplicate in her or his workplace also. If 2 really are An or An One plus inc is ab, you probably will not prefer to decide on the reduced-ranked one. Naturally, nothing is complete. On occasion a reduced-ranked corporation provides you with an improved purchase or rewards. Such instances be absolutely certain the accessories you get are worth the potential hazard of selecting an underwriter that is certainly not as fiscally safe.
Nyanna March 02, 2014 @09:15 am
Virtually everyone is covered by some form of personal insurance, whether from the private sector or as a beneficiary of government benefits. Such coverage is obtained in a variety of ways. Often QuotesChimp is paid for directly by contacting an authorized salesperson and paying the price of the premium. Insurance is also obtained in�directly, often as a benefit of employment or union membership after others have negotiated the coverage and price. At still other times, we receive insurance as a legal right based upon our in�dividual circumstances (e.g., Medicare).
Tyya March 02, 2014 @09:14 am
QuotesChimp are presumed to be unneeded in the system. Insurance companies pay claims in most cases upon proper evidence of loss, through objective records readily got by /or underwriters and the casualties.
  • Leave a comment:

  •